Parenting With A Narcissist: A Legal Guide

After separation, the generally accepted best model for most parents is to “co-parent”, using open communication, joint decision-making and one consistent set of rules across two homes.

In the right circumstances, that approach works brilliantly. However, where the relationship between parents is marked by the controlling, manipulative and persistently conflict-driven behaviour exhibited by a narcissist, co-parenting can quickly break down and do more harm than good.

In those cases, parallel parenting provides a more effective framework, reducing opportunities for conflict and protecting both children and the non-narcissistic parent.

This article looks at how to approach co-parenting with a parent with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) in the context of family law in England and Wales, and the options for legal intervention such as a Child Arrangements Order. Explore our separate legal guide for a deeper look into divorcing a narcissist and a definition of NPD.

Why co-parenting with a narcissist may not work

Successful co-parenting relies on:

• Mutual respect
• A willingness to compromise
• A shared focus on the child’s needs

The sad fact is that a parent with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can see their child not as their own unique person, but as an extension of themselves who exists to replicate the narcissist’s own wishes and desires. The ideal child for a narcissist is often a ‘mini-me’ who shares interests, abilities and an outlook on life outlook with their narcissistic parent.

This often leads to:

• A controlling approach where the parent will push the child to do things that they might not want to do.
• Ongoing disagreements over routine decisions
• The narcissistic parent undermining the other

Understanding the impact on children

For the child, having a parent with narcissistic traits can be a tremendously difficult relationship. Children may experience:

• Difficulty forming secure emotional boundaries and having boundaries violated.
• Pressure to meet unrealistic expectations and a struggle to tolerate perceived imperfections.

If the child cannot live up to the lofty standards of the narcissist, there is the chance the child will experience the rage that comes from a wounded narcissist. This can then be followed by a parental equivalent of lovebombing when the child becomes idealised all over again.

Alternatively, if the child cannot or will not fall into line, the narcissistic parent may jettison them and resort to devaluing. This can often be seen in families with multiple children where one is the narcissist’s “golden child” to whom the others cannot compare. Children will be played off against one another and gaslit in the same way that a narcissist will do with anyone else in their orbit.

When children are drawn into divorce conflict

Following a separation, a narcissist’s children are often used as a weapon against the other parent. They will badmouth and lie, and often attempt to alienate the child from the other parent. They will refuse to co-operate with any parenting decisions and adopt a “my way or the highway” approach.

All of this means that the usual principles that underpin a healthy co-parenting relationship – putting the children’s needs first, respect, compromise – are absent and co-parenting is ineffective. The narcissist will, of course, blame the non-narcissistic parent for this.

Parallel parenting: a more workable approach

Where co-parenting is not feasible, the only viable solution is to parallel parent.

This involves:

• Accepting that the children will need to operate under different sets of rules with each parent.
• Keeping parental communication to a minimum.
• Avoiding joint attendance of school or family events.

Certain techniques can help in limiting communication, such as:

• Grey rock: withholding the emotional drama that narcissists crave by avoiding emotion and keeping responses brief and factual.
• JADE: avoiding using language to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain in order to prevent being drawn into a power struggle.

When legal intervention may be required

Despite best efforts and alternative approaches, there will continue to be disputes and it may be that court proceedings are required to determine the framework for the children’s lives. This may involve setting out issues including:

• Where the child lives
• The time that the children should spend with each parent
• Other forms of contact with each parent
• Specific issues such as a decision on which school to attend or medical decisions

These aspects are handled via a Child Arrangements Order.

In severe cases of narcissistic abuse, it may be possible to secure a Child Arrangements Order which restricts the time that the children spend with the narcissist parent, but this is often easier said than done.

The challenges of court proceedings

Narcissists are experts at disguising their traits while in proceedings and will instead often blame the other parent. If a child has already suffered harm due to the actions of a narcissist and is refusing to spend time with them, this can lead to limited contact, but equally this may cause an abusive parent to argue that the abuse-victim is alienating the children from them.

For this reason, early legal advice is essential in ensuring that concerns are properly documented and presented throughout.

Final thoughts

As narcissists lack empathy, their capacity to truly love anyone else is limited. This extends to their children. While they can do a very good impression of love, their inability to put their child’s needs first means that they cannot truly have the genuine, unconditional, warts-and-all love for their child that non-narcissistic parents will.

Seeking legal advice

Parenting disputes with a narcissist are some of the trickiest cases that family lawyers face and instructing a lawyer who truly understands the dynamic is crucial.

We work with clients to:

• Put clear, workable arrangements in place
• Reduce ongoing conflict
• Look to avoid the courts through alternative dispute resolution
• Prepare accordingly should the courts present the only remedy
• Protect children’s wellbeing

Matthew Taylor, Family Law Partner in our Liverpool office, is an expert on cases involving narcissists. Matthew works closely with the country’s leading expert on narcissism, Dr Supriya McKenna, to provide holistic support to clients looking to escape narcissistic abuse.

Explore our family law services or get in touch today via our form to speak with an expert.

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